Saying Goodbye

This space has been my sanity for 5 years. I started on blog.ger in 2010 and migrated to wordpress in 2012. I moved my entire blog from the first post in 2010 to this space. This blog was initially titled simply Fertitliy Frustration. I started blogging because I was so frustrated my wonderful husband couldn’t be the father he deserved to be because we were infertile. After bringing Raegan into our lives, the name felt wrong somehow. Yes we were still infertile, but we were also parents. I was a mommy. I changed the title in the hopes it would prevent someone from having a meltdown expecting to find someone struggling with infertility only to read about Raegan and wonder what the fuck?!?! I changed the name and continued to write. I shared all my thoughts feeling and expressions here. I felt this was my safe place.  In the rough patches in my marriage before the demise of it all, I was able to share here my concerns, my insecurities and my fears. I wasn’t judged for being “completely immature” and I wasn’t berated for being insecure. I found love and support here in ways I never EVER expected to find. This has been the biggest whirlwind experience of my life. From making the leap in to an RE’s office in 2010 to where I stand today, exactly today(June 19, 2015) sitting on my parent’s couch while my children are in the back seat of some rental car with their dad stuck in some massive traffic jam because of a giant wreck on I-65 outside of Indy. I am facing my first week without my children since the SUPER DARK days of my 3 weeks of madness. At least then I had daily updates from my parents. Now, I won’t even know what the hell is going on. I know they’ll be spending the next 7 days with their father, his mother and of course This Woman.  I may get my 5 min calls with them twice in he next week, but it’s only a maybe. I still don’t know how I got here. I still don’t know how my marriage dissolved so easily. I still don’t know how the man I married was simply a figment of my imagination. I still don’t know how I could have fallen for an act for 9 of the last 10 years. I just don’t get it. This space was my everything and I was forced to walk away to protect my kids, not once, but twice. This space where I once felt love and support became my biggest fear. I struggled with if I would come back and how. I struggled with the decision to open my disaster of a life back up to those reading. I’m not an advertised blogger. I’m not getting anything out of this except therapy in my own mind.  But if there is at least one other woman or man who has had a similar experience  in their life, I felt I should open it back up. I know how relieving it was for me to find others who were struggling. Maybe, just maybe this can help some one. Because this space has so much connected to Babe or sperm donor, I HAVE to close the door on it. I am not closing it down and once the divorce is final I will likely un-protect those password protected posts, but I will not be writing in this space any longer. I can’t. I can’t keeping coming back here. There is too much of him here. It’s like my house. There is just too much of him there for me to stay. There is too much of him here for me to stay. I’m going to keep writing. I have a new space. I have been writing in it for a while. I won’t be linking to it, but there will likely be a few trackbacks here and there. I’m so grateful for this space and this community, but I couldn’t just close this down and walk away. I needed to end it with goodbye.  Thank you all for following along and reading. I know there is no way I could have survived the past 5 years, and especially the past year and half(at the time of writing this) without all of you.  I love you all more than I could ever say in words here and I will continue to follow you all and comment here and there….but know you are all in my thoughts. I would say prayers, but at this point in my life, I don’t have a whole lot of faith. But you are in my heart and my thoughts. Thank you for 5 wonderful  years….I will forever be grateful….

The beginning of the end…

This past Monday was the first court dated in the proceedings for the dissolution of my legal marriage to SD. I still hold hope he will realize what a mistake he has made and will come home to be with his family, but I know the chances of that are about as good as me winning the lottery and getting struck by lightening on the same day. When he signed the lease on his apartment, it started to become more real. When I received his response to being served with the papers I filed, a little more real. But the court date? That made it seem like no matter how much I don’t want this and how much I hoped for reconciliation, I now know that’s never going to happen. I’m stupid and I’m still holding on to hope. My lawyer told me I didn’t have to appear in court. She had told SD he didn’t need to appear either. SD had informed me he was going to attend, and he told my parents the same thing. He was adament about attending the court date. I became nervous as he had initially told me he was going to be out of town for the whole of this week after court. However, he apparently changed it to last week and informed my parents of his change in plans. My concern was he was going to hit his parents up for money for a good lawyer or to get legal advice from his previous divorce lawyer. I also had been informed by my counselor how he had told his counselor about wanting the kids, for me to expect a good fight, and that he had zero intention of supporting me in any way. With his determination to attend court, I was concerned he was going to do an about face. I informed my lawyer of all the back and forth and nearly fired her and withdrew my petition for divorce. I was going to just throw the ball back in SD’s court and let him file and then not respond in any way. It would be a divorce by default.

He didn’t show up. I had worked myself into a tizzy about what was going to happen and was worried about how I would handle losing the kids. I’ve thought seriously about surrendering them to him because I’m concerned about the effect our awful relationship is having on them, but the thought of him taking them from me just burns more than I think I can handle. I already think I’m a horrible person and wonder how much I have let my children down by failing as a wife. All of that stress and worry for naught. He didn’t even fucking show up. 

But now it’s even more real. It’s even more official now. It’s really happening. I’m going to be a divorced mother of two. I’m going to be looked upon with disdain as the woman who was so awful her husband walked out on her and his two year old daughter and 3 month old son. I’m damaged goods. This is really happening. I am a statistic. I have never been more embarrassed or humiliated in my life. I know people look at me and think…oh god! I didn’t see this coming. I still don’t know how we got here. I worry about what my children will think when they are  old enough to understand. Will they ask why I didn’t love their daddy enough? Will they blame me as I do for the downfall of my marriage? Will they be forever damaged because of this situation and how their parents can’t even be in the same room with one another because their mother ‘s heart shatters each time she sees the love of her life walk out the door again? 

This is the beginning of the end. Nine years ago SD was taking me to look at engagement rings and planning our October 2006 wedding even before he placed that ring on my finger. Now I sit in my living room and cry as I watch my 2 year old daughter  play and ask for her daddy. I sob as I watch my 7 month old son crawl across the floor and realize either his father or I will likely miss his milestones, more likely to be his father. This is not the life I had envisioned for my family. This is not what I wanted for my children. This is the end of my hopes and dreams for my family. 

My children will be statistics. Their own future marriages may be destined to end in divorce because of the  choices their parents made. I did not choose this for them. This is not what I wanted for their formative years. I am ashamed  I am their mother because if I was a better person maybe their father would have stayed. Will this woman become the major influence in my children’s lives?  Will SD and this woman be the two parent household in which I had hoped my children would grow up? This is the end for my children’s hope of having a “normal” upbringing. Their mother will have to work 2 jobs to provide for them. There is a decent chance their father will drop off the face of the earth once the proceedings are finalized. And if he doesn’t, then this woman will become a major player in my children’s lives. The honest moral and upstanding individual she is will influence my children’s moral compass. Just what I want for them.

At times during the past few months I really wondered if SD and this woman could provide better for my children. The fact that SD is still lying to me on a regular basis and completely disregarding my desires for my children’s well being has me doubting that fact. Having this woman be a major player in their lives when she walked out on 2 little girls who knew her as their mother for the past 6 years or so freaks me out. What are the chances she’ll walk out on my two beauties when things get too hard or too real? I mean their own father once claimed he wanted real life with me and the kids and then promptly changed his mind to want a carefree and responsibility free life. This woman did the same thing. I don’t know the specifics of her relationship, but I do know she knew she and the father of those two little girls weren’t a good match and she still stayed for her selfish reasons then left for those same selfish reasons. I want better for my children. 

This is the beginning of the end….but my dumbass still hopes the man I married is buried underneath the asshole that has emerged will return and he will realize the giant mistake he has made. I know this will never happen, but for some reason I still have hope. When I was in the midst of TTC, I lost all hope. There was still a chance then for me to someday hold a baby in my arms. Even when I had lost all hope. Now I know there isn’t even a 0.0000000001% chance of this happening, but I’m holding on to hope. WHAT THE FUCK!? There is something seriously wrong with me.

My marriage is ending… hopes for my children are ending….my future is ending, at least the way I had envisioned it. This is the beginning of the end…..

originally published privately 6/11/2014