This is the end…

My freshman year at college Warner Brothers introduced a new children’s show called Animaniacs. I loved it. I actually skipped class to watch it before I learned how to program my VCR to record it. It was an intro to theater class so it wasn’t pertinent to my major. One episode had a skit on it that had a Jim Morrison cartoon character singing, “this is the end…this is the end….this is the end of our story.” Well, now that cartoon is singing about my marriage. This is the end.

Last Thursday I accidentally stumbled on to some information. I had set up an anonymous email with a fake name to keep all my thoughts and plans for correspondence to my lawyer in a safe place. I’ve been changing my passwords to everything regularly and I’ve been struggling to keep things straight. Of course I forgot the password to this email. I had linked it to SD’s old phone that he had given to Raegan when he got his new phone. I jumped online and requested the password be sent to the phone. SD isn’t super thorough and he is kind of technologically challenged. When he gave the phone to Raegan, he neglected to clear out his contacts and some other what I would consider important things. But oh well. One of the things he neglected to do was to unlink his “secret” email account from this phone. He set this account up back in November to keep his correspondence with this woman secret from me incase I knew the password to his regular email account. When he decided to “come back to me,” he told me he deleted the account and all of it’s contents. He lied…BIG FUCKING SURPRISE THERE! When I requested a new password be sent to SD’s old phone, the password for his “secret” account showed up as well as the one for my anonymous account.

When this type of opportunity falls in my lap, I’m certainly not going to let it pass me up. Of course I looked it up. In this secret account he had told me he had deleted along with all of its content was some pretty damning evidence. First was correspondence with this woman from September, October(Cavan’s birthday no less), November and December. Also in this email folder, pictures…mainly pictures of SD and this woman snuggling on a couch and snuggling in bed together. The date and time stamp on these emails containing this information was January 28th. That’s 2 days after he moved out. He lied to me…again and again. I of course took this opportunity to call him out on it. He completely freaked on me and sent me raging texts basically telling me he wanted to leave me in April of 2012 after the incident with MIL at Easter. That’s nearly 2 years ago and long LONG before we attempted to add Cavan to our family. He blamed me for the entirety of the demise of our marriage. It is all ALL my fault.

Ironically, this whole situation started with him telling me he discovered something that happened long before he met me that has had a negative effect on our relationship. Somehow I’m responsible for something that happened 2 and a half years before he even met me. OK! Whatever asshole! He is living in some sort of alternate reality. First thing Friday morning I called my lawyer and filed for divorce. The fact that this man lied to me over and over and over again. He told me he loved me and that this woman was kryptonite and toxic all while he was likely fucking her brains out behind my back is just unconscionable. The fact he was OK moving forward having a second child with me when he knew he wanted out of the marriage 2 years ago is so selfish and unfeeling towards the damage he will have done to this child as he grows up and puts 2 and 2 together.

SD was served with papers with my petition for divorce on Tuesday. He took it in stride as I knew he would. Rock and my family were convinced he was going to go ballistic, but I figured he would do the happy dance. Now he can blame the end of our marriage on me because I was the one who filed. I filed because he wouldn’t. This is what HE WANTS. This is what HE NEEDS so he can not feel guilty anymore for screwing around behind my pregnant back and walking away from his 2 beautiful children. HE is now over compensating and being more douchey than before. He’s pretending to be polite, but really he’s just being an asshole. I wasn’t buying any of his act. The only good thing about this whole thing is after I ripped him up one side and down the other about being consistently late to spend time with his kids when he could leave work early to pick this woman up from the airport is ridiculous. His children should come first. They very obviously do not. His home wrecking whore seems to be the only thing this dick can think about.

So this is the end. Now I wait for him to get his own counsel and respond to my petition. My guess is he is going to keep his word and he’s going to run me into the ground financially and try to ruin me. Fine. I don’t want that woman any where near my kids. I don’t want someone of her low moral standing to have any influence over my children in any way what so ever. I’d really like to leave the state…I’d really like it even more if he just walked out of our lives and started a new family with her. She’s young and spry….She wants 5 kids….let her have them with that asshole and leave me and my babies alone. It’s wishful thinking. I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to have him walk away.  

When the paralegal called me to tell me he had been served, I hoped to feel some sort of relief. Instead I felt this horrible awful feeling as if I had murdered someone. As if I had chosen to remove the life supporting technologies to a loved one who had a slim chance at recovery. There is that slight chance my marriage could have been saved, but the likelihood was extremely slim. I’m the one who ended it. I’m the one who had to drive that last nail in the coffin. He’s the one who walked out on us. He’s the one who left for another woman. He claims she had nothing to do with it, but if the relationship with her had never happened, we could still be working on our marriage. Even if he came crawling back now I’d lock my doors. I could never trust him again. I can’t even trust myself any more. 

My future looks bleak. I will forever struggle to believe someone who tells me they love me. I will forever struggle to trust anyone. The one person I’m supposed to trust more than anything betrayed me in ways no one should ever be betrayed.  I am forever a marked woman and consider myself damaged goods. I have become a statistic. Anything that has to do with love or relationships  brings a stabbing feeling to my heart. I was duped. My entire relationship with SD was a lie. Looking back now, I realize he never loved me. He never truly cared about me. He can’t be alone. I was a convenient vessel in which to bring his children into this world. I was used then tossed aside when I had served my purpose. Now I have these 2 beautiful children who will depend on me for the foreseeable future and I have to do it all on my own. He’s all active to see them now, but that will change soon. It will get old and once he has his new family with this woman, if he hasn’t already started on that, he’ll forget all about my babies. I can’t even imagine the damage that will be done to them because of his actions. I will be setting up appointments for both of them with a child psychologist. I want them in therapy and feeling they have a safe place to share their thoughts and feelings long before issues arise. 

This is not how I saw my life. This is not what I wanted for my children. This is the end of the life I thought I was going to have. I feel like a fool for ever believing anyone could ever love me the way I believed SD loved me enough to marry me. This is the end….I will mourn what never will be, but like any loss, I hope to get past it someday. I hope I can wake up someday and be happy and comfortable in my new life. It’s certainly not going to be any time soon, but I hope someday to get there.

originally published privately 3/13/2014